I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
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