U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
