im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
