My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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