Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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