is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
