I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Randomize
