dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
You can't special order awesome
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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