i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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