Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I'm like, not good at living.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
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