She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
