I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
