You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I have fence marks all over my body
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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