if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
