She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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