I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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