I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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