It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
