college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
