Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
