we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
