She just used a chaser for red wine.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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