alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize