I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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