My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
