The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
