I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
