Umm I'm too high to move.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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