tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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