Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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