Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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