I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
