I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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