Im at strip club and am horny
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
