chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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