Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
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