The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize