Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
