when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
my sisters under your porch take her home
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
