Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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