i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
