My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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