The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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