meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
