He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize