Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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