I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize