I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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