I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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