you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
