you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I need to sanitize my soul.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
