where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
third nipple confirmed
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize
