i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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