OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
