Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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