we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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