He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Randomize
