So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
It's rum buckets o'clock
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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