i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
