its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
