I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize