just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
