dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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