i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
