dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
